Things I can do

Well obviously, the number one thing on my mind right now is the baby we lost.  And how soon we can try for another little one.  BUT my OB was very specific when I went in for my D&C that she did not want me getting pregnant for at least one full cycle.  Although this is 4-6 weeks away, it still feels like an eternity.  So rather than focusing on NOT being able to try for another baby, I have decided to try to focus on what I CAN do.  These include:

• Call fence guy to get rear fence installed
• Call gate guy to get gate plans arpproved and move forward with the Historical Society to get the gate installed
• Call gutter guy to get gutters installed
• Buy book on laying flagstone to prepare for our 4th of July project (which I have decided is laying a flagstone porch/walkway in our backyard)
• Call sprinkler people to get estimates for sprinkler installation
• Clean out storage room
• Clean out basement and waterproof it
• Close crawl space
• Buy new door for basement to make a storm shelter type-space out of it
• Paint old storage room
• Move guest room into old storage room
• Paint old guest room blue

That list should keep me occupied for a while...

Baby News

Please note:  This is not seeking sympathy.  I just wrote what I was feeling to remember it someday  (hopefully when I am snuggling our baby).  Also, sorry if it's TMI.  Get over it.

On May 22, when I got home from Dallas for Cathy's shower, I began to suspect I might be pregnant.  So I took a pregnancy test, expecting a negative like it had been for months before.  Well, this one was positive!  I was so excited and ran to show Ryan, who was thrilled as well.  I called my dr the very next morning, but she wanted to wait to see me after 2 weeks passed, since she didn't see patients before 6 weeks since LMP.  I guess I detected it really early, and my scheduled appointment would have been at the beginning of week 7 of the pregnancy.

Well those 2 weeks were torture, but finally my appointment rolled around and I went, full of excitement!  She chatted with me and sent me for bloodwork.  I also mentioned to her that I felt absolutely NO symptoms whatsoever, and if the stick didn't say so, I would not know I was pregnant (at least according to the symptoms I was supposed to be feeling at this gestation).  Well, that seemed to worry her, so she sent me for an ultrasound the next day as well to date the pregnancy and to check the viability of the baby.

 I went to the lab and had blood drawn and then went back to work, waiting for the u/s the next day.  Another long night!  Well, the ultrasound tech couldn't find anything transabdominally, so she opted for a transvaginal u/s to check on the babe.  At this time, she showed me my uterus and the gestational sac.  She thought she saw the fetal pole and she dated the pregnancy to 5 weeks, 1 day, which was 2 weeks off from my LMP.  So this worried me because what on earth had the baby been doing in there for 2 weeks?!?!  Anyhoo, she also said that she thought she saw the flutter of the baby's heartbeat, which made me super excited, so I didn't worry.

Later that day, the dr got my lab results back and said that my progesterone was low.  She said it should be in the 20 range, but mine was at a 5.  Since progesterone is what keeps you from shedding your uterine lining while you're pregnant, it is super important for this hormone to be present during pregnancy, or I would run the risk of miscarriage.  So she put me on progesterone supplements twice a day to get the levels raised.  Plus, after looking at my u/s results, she thought that both my hormone levels and the u/s were dating the baby to about 5w1d gestation.  Fine by me!  I can deal with a February baby instead of a January baby!

My dr scheduled me for another round of labs the next week, and a follow-up u/s at the end of the following week.  The first stop was my appointment for labwork.  The phlebotomist drew a sample of blood and I left with my fingers crossed.  And then got a call saying that my hcg levels were off.  I didn't really ask many questions, just kind of mumbled okay, thought the worst, and hung up.  But as I did some online research, I learned that this can be okay, and a healthy pregnancy can still come of this.  So when she called back the next morning to tell me that my progesterone levels were up where they needed to be, thanks to the drugs, I asked the nurse what my hcg levels were exactly.

The results:  on the first day I went in for bloodwork, the hcg level was 1312.  Apparently it is supposed to double every 48-72 hours, so being generous and saying every 72 hours, my levels should have been around 5200 or so for my bloodwork exactly one week later.  Well, they were at 1832.  NOT good.  The nurse has told me that it looks like this pregnancy will end in a miscarriage.  But to wait and see a few days later with more bloodwork and then attending my u/s as scheduled.  So the next lab appointment came and my level had dropped, apparently a certain sign of a miscarriage or an impending miscarriage.

And I was/am heartbroken.

But then I think, hey!  I still have the u/s to look forward to on Friday.  I should just wait until then to see if they can find a heartbeat before I have a meltdown.  Because I read somewhere that if you can see the heartbeat, there is a 70% likelihood that the baby will be a viable pregnancy.  But my OB wanted to cancel my u/s, as there was almost no possible way there would be a viable baby in there after my hcg started declining.  So I cancelled it.  And instead, had to schedule a D&C to remove the deceased fetus.  :(

My feelings have been all over the map.  I obviously want a healthy baby, so if there is something wrong with this one, I'd rather just miscarry and try again for a healthy baby.  But another part of me wants THIS baby.  The one that is already inside of me (but an obviously unhealthy one who has stopped growing).  And then I sink into a pity party.  I get SO sad about the loss.  And then it turns to blame - maybe that Dr. Pepper I drank caused it.  Maybe the glass of iced tea caused it.  Maybe it had a genetic disorder.  I JUST DON'T KNOW!  And it is driving me nuts.  No one would want to be so excited to be pregnant (as we were), and then learn of an impending miscarriage.  Let's just get it over with already.

Plus, I'm not really a religious person, which also plays into my pity party.  I start to wonder if maybe I went to church or prayed more, maybe I would have had a healthy baby.  Maybe there really is a God, and maybe he's punishing me right now for not behaving.  (Not a way to win fans, by the way).  But then my rational brain kicks in and then I realize it is just natural selection at work, weeding out the baby with problems (my precious, wonderful baby, sadly).

And then what do I do with the baby crap I've already purchased?  I've got the nursery planned out - already bought the rug and called a wood floor refinisher to come give me an estimate for sealing the floors.  And I've called a landscaper to make our yard a safe fun place for kids.  And a gate to keep the bad guys out.  And I've been eating super healthily, giving the baby TONS of nutrient rich foods and milk.  So that can't be it.  Or did I do something wrong?

It just sucks.  I want to move on and try again.  If I have to think about it, do I have to acknowledge that it WAS going to be our baby, and name it as I would have before?  And mourn it?   And do I have to change my nursery ideas for the next baby that we do have?  And rethink names?  Or is that horrible of me to worry about that?!

I just want it to be over, and for the next stage of my life to begin - the one where we can start again.  I willl continue eating healthily and exercising in case that was it.  I will be proactive next time, knowing about my low progesterone in this pregnancy.  I am also really scared about trying again--what if I conceive and then it dies again?  Am I unable to carry a child?  I don't want to have to be strong enough to go through this again.

Random Musings 4

1.  I really like the new Chris Brown song, and wish I could understand the lyrics and rap along with the song.

2.  I simply cannot write a capital "I" without the extra lines on the top and bottom (or its roof and shoes, as I like to say).  I just cannot do it!  The "I without" is so much prettier at times, and I'll start out with the good intention to make a cute I.  And I will get the envelope addressed or whatever, and the I (in MI, for example) sticks out at me like a sore thumb.  

3.  I also really like cupcakes.

4.  Dear Mr. Lupe Fiasco:  there is no such thing as a win-doo.  Just so you know.

Baby Shower and Decor!

Recently I was a co-hostess for a friend's baby shower.   She was my Big during my sorority days at Delta Gamma and she is expecting a sweet baby boy any day now.  My tasks for the shower were decorations and party favors.  I just KNEW that a diaper cake was a must-have.  But I had no idea how to go about making one.  So I did some google homework and came up with a plan. 

First, I needed supplies.  Tecate (with limes, of course) and diapers.  You would be surprised how many dirty looks I got at CVS while buying this combo of items.  I mean really...if I'm buying diapers, surely that means "my baby" has already been BORN, so I'm not a horrible pregnant drinking mother.  Duh.  Just a horrible drinking nursing mother, for all you know!

I spread out in the living room - thrilling my husband to no end.

Each of these NINETY-TWO(!!!!!) diapers had to be rolled and secured with a rubber band around the middle.  That took awhile!  Luckily I had booze.

Wow!  That's a lot of diapers - but really, not even half!

Then each rolled diaper had to be tied with blue and white gingham ribbon - this was to hide the rubber band!

Each finished diaper looked like this:

Then it was time to start building.  I got a cardboard cake round from Hobby Lobby to use as my base.  First I hot-glued a large bottle of baby powder to the center of the board.  (Actually, the first time I missed and had to unstick it and measure out the center, because when I eyeballed it, it looked wonky and lopsided).  So this is take 2.

I used a large rubberband to hold the first layer of diapers to the powder bottle.  Then another larger rubberband (from our dinner asparagus - look at me, so clever!) to do the next layer.

Aaah - taking a break and sitting on the couch - wood floors hurt your bum after a few hours of diaper rolling!

This is it after two layers were added on the bottom.  See how the baby powder will act as the next tier's base as well??

Then I added a layer on the second tier, and secured with a rubber band.  Also at Hobby Lobby, I found a gigantic oversized baby bottle (I think it may also be a bank??) to top the cake.  I hotglued the bottom of the bottle to the top of the baby powder - this would become my third and final tier.

Next I added another layer of diapers to the bottom tier and wrapped a 1" wide ribbon to the bottom of the first tier, securing with hot glue.  Also note that I made sure the be-ribboned diapers were on the outside of the cake to up the "finished" factor of the cake.  This last layer of diapers was really tricky, since 1) I didn't have a large enough rubber band for that and 2) you can't use hot glue on the diapers themselves since they are supposed to be useful to the expectant mother!!  So I had to get Ryan to help me with that step, as the ribbon has to be pulled taut in order to keep the diapers from falling out!

Now repeat with the top two layers.  When all was said and done, there were three layers on the bottom tier, two on the second tier and one on the top.

DONE!  (Almost!)

Here is a picture of the cake on shower day - I went to Pinkitzle and bought tons of blue M&Ms to fill the bottle with!  I waited to add those til the last minute, since I hauled this cake from my house in OKC to the shower location - a park in Dallas!  (Oh, and the bottom of the cardboard round was covered with the same ribbon as each layer of the cake - thanks to another co-host (and my Grand-Big) Ms. Darcy Ford!  **Snaps**)

That was definitely the most time-consuming decoration.  I also painted these cute little wooden letters I got at Hobby Lobby.  I tried to match the shower invitation with the colors for the letters (I will scan a pic of the invite in later - ooh, it was SO cute - I got them from Tiny Prints and they were precious!!!)

Back to the letters - I painted them all white first, and then added the blues and browns with paint pens.  

A few more beers were needed - haha!

And the result:

AWWWWWWWW.  Next I made signs to alert people that they'd arrived at the party!  I found these in the clearance aisle at Hobby Lobby and they were perfect with the shower colors.  I just wrote on them in brown paint pen and done!

OH!  And I also bought these yard stakes to hold these signs - I bought blue spray paint and Ryan sprayed them blue!  These stakes held these signs and some balloons.  Did you know HL sells mini helium tanks?  Well they do and they are awesome!!!  Here is the finished result:

I also found a super cute banner on etsy for the shower - here are pics of it:

The set-up for the shower was pretty easy - since it was held at an outdoor pavillion, we really only had to add tablecloths and balloons to make it festive!  But it was SUPER windy on the day of the shower, which made me glad I 1) got flowers for the tables and 2) got weights for the edges of the tablecloths.  They were amazingly helpful - I found them at (guess where? )  Hobby Lobby and they were miracle workers.  You just clip them on the edges of the tablecloths and they hold it in place!

The park was beautiful and everyone seemed to have a good time.  Plus, Cathy got lots of cool stuff for Baby C!

Finally, my favorite part: COOKIE FAVORS!  I went to One Smart Cookie, which I believe is a franchise type store, to get these favors.  I had her made little blue onesies with C on the front.  They were big!!  And had the cutest little details, like silver balls as the little snaps at the bottom of the onesie.  Too cute!  Here's the not cute part: I paid to have them individually wrapped in cellophane and tied with blue ribbons at the top.  Ummm...these are just laying in a box.  Which is how I got them.  But after I pitched a good old-fashioned fit, the nice lady at the store gave me the stuff for free so that I could wrap them myself.  I saved 50 cents a cookie this way, but still!  I picked these up Friday afternoon, and was heading for Dallas Saturday at 7 am.  I knew what my Friday night entailed! HA!

Wrapping cookies!  It was hard!  Those suckers wanted to shift all around in their bags, making tying the ribbon kind of hard!  Luckily, Ryan did the heavy lifting on this task.  

For his help, he ate two of the cookies.  hehehe!

And here are the pretty cookies on the table ready to be eaten!

Nina was in charge of the cake - and it was SO cute and more importantly, SO yummy!

Eventually, Darcy and I became a little sunburned and kooky and things like this started happening...

Darcy used my silver platter to tan.

Darcy twirled a sign like a baton.

Darcy apparently does not watch America's Next Top Model like a good American.  I told her to give me fierce and she gave me a cat.

Interpretive dance. 

I have two thumbs!

And a lovely singing voice.  I think this was me operatically singing the praises of nature??

Finally, we calmed down and took a pic with Cathy - and here are the hostesses with the beautiful mom-to-be!!

Now hurry up and get here, Baby!