Please note: This is not seeking sympathy. I just wrote what I was feeling to remember it someday (hopefully when I am snuggling our baby). Also, sorry if it's TMI. Get over it.
On May 22, when I got home from Dallas for Cathy's shower, I began to suspect I might be pregnant. So I took a pregnancy test, expecting a negative like it had been for months before. Well, this one was positive! I was so excited and ran to show Ryan, who was thrilled as well. I called my dr the very next morning, but she wanted to wait to see me after 2 weeks passed, since she didn't see patients before 6 weeks since LMP. I guess I detected it really early, and my scheduled appointment would have been at the beginning of week 7 of the pregnancy.
Well those 2 weeks were torture, but finally my appointment rolled around and I went, full of excitement! She chatted with me and sent me for bloodwork. I also mentioned to her that I felt absolutely NO symptoms whatsoever, and if the stick didn't say so, I would not know I was pregnant (at least according to the symptoms I was supposed to be feeling at this gestation). Well, that seemed to worry her, so she sent me for an ultrasound the next day as well to date the pregnancy and to check the viability of the baby.
I went to the lab and had blood drawn and then went back to work, waiting for the u/s the next day. Another long night! Well, the ultrasound tech couldn't find anything transabdominally, so she opted for a transvaginal u/s to check on the babe. At this time, she showed me my uterus and the gestational sac. She thought she saw the fetal pole and she dated the pregnancy to 5 weeks, 1 day, which was 2 weeks off from my LMP. So this worried me because what on earth had the baby been doing in there for 2 weeks?!?! Anyhoo, she also said that she thought she saw the flutter of the baby's heartbeat, which made me super excited, so I didn't worry.
Later that day, the dr got my lab results back and said that my progesterone was low. She said it should be in the 20 range, but mine was at a 5. Since progesterone is what keeps you from shedding your uterine lining while you're pregnant, it is super important for this hormone to be present during pregnancy, or I would run the risk of miscarriage. So she put me on progesterone supplements twice a day to get the levels raised. Plus, after looking at my u/s results, she thought that both my hormone levels and the u/s were dating the baby to about 5w1d gestation. Fine by me! I can deal with a February baby instead of a January baby!
My dr scheduled me for another round of labs the next week, and a follow-up u/s at the end of the following week. The first stop was my appointment for labwork. The phlebotomist drew a sample of blood and I left with my fingers crossed. And then got a call saying that my hcg levels were off. I didn't really ask many questions, just kind of mumbled okay, thought the worst, and hung up. But as I did some online research, I learned that this can be okay, and a healthy pregnancy can still come of this. So when she called back the next morning to tell me that my progesterone levels were up where they needed to be, thanks to the drugs, I asked the nurse what my hcg levels were exactly.
The results: on the first day I went in for bloodwork, the hcg level was 1312. Apparently it is supposed to double every 48-72 hours, so being generous and saying every 72 hours, my levels should have been around 5200 or so for my bloodwork exactly one week later. Well, they were at 1832. NOT good. The nurse has told me that it looks like this pregnancy will end in a miscarriage. But to wait and see a few days later with more bloodwork and then attending my u/s as scheduled. So the next lab appointment came and my level had dropped, apparently a certain sign of a miscarriage or an impending miscarriage.
And I was/am heartbroken.
But then I think, hey! I still have the u/s to look forward to on Friday. I should just wait until then to see if they can find a heartbeat before I have a meltdown. Because I read somewhere that if you can see the heartbeat, there is a 70% likelihood that the baby will be a viable pregnancy. But my OB wanted to cancel my u/s, as there was almost no possible way there would be a viable baby in there after my hcg started declining. So I cancelled it. And instead, had to schedule a D&C to remove the deceased fetus. :(
My feelings have been all over the map. I obviously want a healthy baby, so if there is something wrong with this one, I'd rather just miscarry and try again for a healthy baby. But another part of me wants THIS baby. The one that is already inside of me (but an obviously unhealthy one who has stopped growing). And then I sink into a pity party. I get SO sad about the loss. And then it turns to blame - maybe that Dr. Pepper I drank caused it. Maybe the glass of iced tea caused it. Maybe it had a genetic disorder. I JUST DON'T KNOW! And it is driving me nuts. No one would want to be so excited to be pregnant (as we were), and then learn of an impending miscarriage. Let's just get it over with already.
Plus, I'm not really a religious person, which also plays into my pity party. I start to wonder if maybe I went to church or prayed more, maybe I would have had a healthy baby. Maybe there really is a God, and maybe he's punishing me right now for not behaving. (Not a way to win fans, by the way). But then my rational brain kicks in and then I realize it is just natural selection at work, weeding out the baby with problems (my precious, wonderful baby, sadly).
And then what do I do with the baby crap I've already purchased? I've got the nursery planned out - already bought the rug and called a wood floor refinisher to come give me an estimate for sealing the floors. And I've called a landscaper to make our yard a safe fun place for kids. And a gate to keep the bad guys out. And I've been eating super healthily, giving the baby TONS of nutrient rich foods and milk. So that can't be it. Or did I do something wrong?
It just sucks. I want to move on and try again. If I have to think about it, do I have to acknowledge that it WAS going to be our baby, and name it as I would have before? And mourn it? And do I have to change my nursery ideas for the next baby that we do have? And rethink names? Or is that horrible of me to worry about that?!
I just want it to be over, and for the next stage of my life to begin - the one where we can start again. I willl continue eating healthily and exercising in case that was it. I will be proactive next time, knowing about my low progesterone in this pregnancy. I am also really scared about trying again--what if I conceive and then it dies again? Am I unable to carry a child? I don't want to have to be strong enough to go through this again.